Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Didn't Sign Up for Mountain Climbing.....

This post doest not come to you from Victory Mountain........if only it did. It comes to you in the struggle up the mountain. The main reason I put it into these terms is because a few weeks ago, my dear friend, Alice, brought a devotional on this very same subject. And somehow, right now, I felt  like it was more victorious to write and say that I am still climbing up my mountain. We've all heard the stories of people who have fought and struggled and finally found their victory. And, there have been times that I have felt guilty at not truly rejoicing for their victory. Because, the truth is, it just left me wondering, "God, when will you do that for me?" So, right now, for me to write this blog, to look you squarely in the eye and say, "This journey is hard and some days I hate it - quite frankly - some days I crawl up the mountain, but I trust Him and I've found Him to be faithful," is the most victorious thing that I can do.
I started praying for something back in 2006 - something that I still do not have the answer for. One day when I was praying about this very thing (all the way back in '06), I heard the Lord say, "Let it go. If I want to restore it, I will."
Honestly, I thought this was my "Abraham Altar Moment." I thought the Lord just wanted me to raise the knife to this thing and let Him know that nothing was more important to me that Him. It didn't quite work that way. The Lord allowed me to plunge the knife in, shattering my heart in the process. Over the years things would happen that would make me think that He was going to fix it - and then, it was gone again. No one, except Jesus himself, knows the tears I have cried, the angry words I have screamed, the darkness which I have tasted.
Even more, if the Lord had told me that this is the journey my obedience would take me on I would have said, "No way. Not in a million years." What I was asking Him to do - the thing that I was holding was a good thing. It just needed to be a good thing in His way and His timing.
He cannot allow us to see where our obedience will take us. The journey to His heart isn't paved with smooth stones and pretty flowers. No, the journey to His heart isn't paved at all. It's only on the otherside that we get the reward for seeking His heart. Yes, of course, moments of rest and peace come on this earth. He gives us people and places that become our home until we get home, but we were never meant to "be home" here. So, we raise our chin, set our face against the wind, and walk by faith because really, He's all we've got.
Maybe someday soon, I'll be writing to tell you the answer to this particular prayer. Maybe it's one of those prayers I'll pray all my life. I don't know. I do know that when I reach the top of this mountain they'll be another one to climb. Here's the greatest thing about the mountain climbing lifestyle. Jesus, our Savior, is with us. We often thing of Him reaching down into our brokenness - that's what I used to think anyway. But now I know that He's come down here with me in my brokenness. He's here. When I run, He runs. When I walk, He walks. When I crawl, He crawls. When I throw my hands up in defeat and have a good cry, He cries with me. He promised to be with me, and today that gives this weary mountain climber something to smile about.