Friday, June 8, 2012

Raising the White Flag

Some of you may remember the animated movie that came out a few years ago, Joseph: King of Dreams. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot about the movie – I wasn’t too interested in animated movies at the time. But there was a song in that movie, which really did touch my heart. The song was about Joseph’s surrender to the Lord in spite of his circumstances.

That may be the hardest thing about walking the Christian life – holding, clinging, trusting Him when our world is spinning out of control and nothing makes sense. How could God let this happen to me? When will God change my circumstances? Why doesn’t He answer my prayer? Doesn’t He care about my needs? Does He hear me? Does He even care? The questions we have in the middle of our circumstances are endless. I have even found myself bargaining with God, “If my child was asking me for this…..” It's so hard to understand when God could change our circumstances - when we think He should change our circumstances........and He chooses not to.

The thing I have found in my own life is all of my questions are about me – as if I deserve only good from God’s hand. We’ve all said, “I don’t deserve this!” But who really does? None of us want suffering, or loss, or hardship! But it is through those toughest of times, that our Savior molds us and we come to know the wonderful depths of His boundless character.

Here are the words to the song:

You Know Better than I

I thought I did what’s right
I thought I had the answers.
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here.
So I put up a fight, and told you how to help me
And just when have given up,
The truth is coming clear;

You know better than I.
You know the way.
I’ve let go the need to know why,
For you know better than I.

If this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason.
But maybe knowing I don’t know
Is part of getting through.
I try to do what’s best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in You.

I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky.
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow.
But it was You who taught that bird to fly.
If I let You reach me, will You teach me?

I’ll take what answers You supply,
For You know better than I.

That last bit always confused me until recently – “I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky.”  Then one day I was listening to this song and pouring out my heart to God and the meaning hit me. We, in our humanness, see a beautiful cloud and are so struck by it’s magnificence that we do not understand how limited our view is. We don’t see what else is out there. If we could just catch a glimpse of the expanse of the sky, that cloud would seem so small and simple. But, God is loving enough not to let me be limited by my own small view of the world.

I came to Beira in November expecting to work with 25 precious little boys for the next three years. I did not expect to encounter such opposition from the leadership about…..well, everything. I did not expect that Satan would be so bound up in this place that I could not function in the ministry God called me here to do. I have cried, and prayed, and done what I can to break through the wall that is around the ministry here in Beira. The good news is, the hands of justice are moving and there will be new leadership at Casa Re’Om soon. The good news is the boys will be okay and that God loves them ever so much more than I do.

The heartbreaking news is, I am not a part of the future at Casa Re’Om. In recent weeks, God has made it clear to me that I am not to stay at Casa Re’Om. I thought He called me here for the boys, but I now think He called me here to speak the truth and bring the challenges here to the attention of YWAM leadership. So many people have come through Beira and left hurt and disillusioned without doing anything. But, God in his wisdom, brought a unique group of people together for this time who were willing to stand up and be a voice for the boys.

Though I don’t like it a whole lot, I will be moving on to the YWAM base in Lichinga at the beginning of July. While I have many friends in Lichinga, and there is a part of me that is so excited about the ministry there, right now my heart is aching because I will not be here to see the growth and change in my boys. I will not be here to tell them about Jesus. But there I go again with ”I”……

 He loves them more than I do. Jesus wants them to know His voice more than I do. Jesus will give them what they need everyday for the rest of their lives. I am not ready for my role in their story to be complete. But, Jesus is ready and He knows better than I.

So for now, I have my questions and my tears. I mourn and I look forward with excitement. He had a part for me to play in Beira and He has a part for me to play in Lichinga. I don’t have to understand Him to trust Him, and so trust Him I will. 


Ann said...

What a blessing your words are even if read with tears, have shared the work of God to many in accepting what is obvious to you now - God's will. Thanks be to our God & Father who knows better than we do. Praying for your heart adjustment and sea-change knowing God already knows where this will His arms of love and grace. We are so thankful to God for your restored health!

Sheila Bridge said...

This is very thoughtful and well written post Jenni, I've been really sad about the situation behind it but am confident that God will bring good to you through it. I'm preaching this Sunday on trusting God in tough circumstances, may I quote parts of this blog? (the paragraph about your sense of confusion, not the details of your situation?)

Becky Cherry said...

Your heart must be broken and I will pray that your visit home with strengthen you physically, emotionally and spiritually. You are loved and prayed for daily.

Jessica said...

You are very inspiring...

Claudette R Keeter said...

My heart aches for you in my deepest heart and rejoices, too, almost simultaneously, darlin'Jenni!I have been in some similiar circumstances before and I think most people have. You are soooo very Special and we don't want you to go through this mourning. I bet it's NOT the first time YOU have experienced something similiar and you can look back and know God got you through it! Even if the enemy has placed trials or obstacles, God is absolutely turning it around for your very BEST!There are people at your new post who REALLY need you....or maybe you need them. All Glory, Honor, and Praises to our Abba Daddy who is holding you close.<3<3